I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
