Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I AM VODKA MAN
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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