dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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