We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
