What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Shame - the story of my life.
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