just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
