I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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