Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
