i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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