we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
