I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I smell like Dick and happiness
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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