If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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