I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
