he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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