the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize