i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize