He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize