Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
