Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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