onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
