what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
