i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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