i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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