Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
