Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
