I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
