if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
