fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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