i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
