Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
