Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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