just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
