i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
