operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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