Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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