I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
