Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
