Small penises have feelings too.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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