also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
