apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize