After last night, I could never be a politician.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
