I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
