you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
