someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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