i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
