I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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