On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
