i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
