Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
