feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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