So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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