I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
