Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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