47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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