Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize