If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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