i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
