I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
