So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
