don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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