Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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