watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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