only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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