the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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